Classes for Men, taught by Women

[skandcp]

Courses for Men

Taught by women, for men.
101
Combating Stupidity

102
You Too Can Do Housework

103
P.M.S. – Learning When To Keep Your Mouth Shut

104
How To Fill An Ice Cube Tray

105
We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas –
Give Us Money

106
Understanding the Female Response To You Coming In Drunk
At 4 AM

107
Wonderful Laundry Techniques
(Formerly "Don't Wash My Silks")

108
Parenting – No, It Doesn't End With Conception

109
Get a Life – Learn How To Cook

110
How Not To Act Like a Butthead When You Are Obviously Wrong

111
Spelling – Even You Can Get It Right

112
Understanding Your Financial Incompetence

113
You – The Weaker Sex

114
Reasons To Give Flowers

115
How To Stay Awake After

116
Why It Is Unacceptable To Relieve Yourself
Anywhere But the Bathroom

117
Garbage – Getting It To the Curb

118A
You Can Fall Asleep Without It If You Really Try

118B
The Morning Dilemma - If It's Awake, Take a Shower

119
The Weekend and Sports Are Not Synonymous

120
How To Put The Toilet Seat Down

121
How To Go Shopping With Your Mate and Not Get Lost

122
The Remote Control – Overcoming Your Dependency

123
Helpful Postural Hints For Couch Potatoes

124
How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children

125
You Too Can Be a Designated Driver

126
Honest, You Don't Look Like Mel Gibson, Especially When Naked

127
Changing Your Underwear – It Really Works

128
The Attainable Goal – Omitting %@#*! From Your Vocabulary

129
Fluffing the Blankets After Farting is Not Necessary

130
Real Men Ask For Directions

131
How To Take Illness Like a Man

[skandcp]

The Five Toughest Questions For Men
1. What are you thinking about?

2. Do you love me?

3. Do I look fat?

4. Do you think she is prettier than me?

5. What would you do if I died?

Here is the problem: If the man answers incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth), every single one is absolutely guaranteed to explode into a major argument.

As a public service, I analyze each question and provide the possible answers.

#1: What are you thinking about?

The best answer to this is:
"I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you."

This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which is, most likely, one of the following:

a. Baseball.

b. Football.

c. How fat you are.

d. How much prettier she is than you.

e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.

(Perhaps the best classic response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg: "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!")

#2: Do you love me?

The proper response is: "YES!"

If you feel a more detailed answer is in order:
"Yes, dear."

Inappropriate responses include:

a. Yah, sure, you betcha.

b. Would it make you feel better if I said "yes"?

c. That depends on exactly what you mean by love.

d. Does it matter?

e. Who, me?

#3: Do I look fat?

The correct answer is an emphatic:
"Of course not!"

Among the incorrect answers are:

a. Compared to what?

b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.

c. A little extra weight looks good on you.

d. I've seen fatter.

e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

#4: Do you think she's prettier than me?

Once again, the proper response is an emphatic:
"Of course not!"

Incorrect responses include:

a. Yes, but you have a better personality

b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner

c. Not as pretty as you, when you were her age

d. It depends on how you define pretty.

e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

#5: What would you do if I died?

This is the all-time, no-win question.

(The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Corvette.")

There is no good answer.

No matter how you answer, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:

Woman: Would you get married again?

Man: Definitely not!

Woman: Why not? Don't you like being married?

Man: Of course I do.

Woman: Then why wouldn't you remarry?

Man: Okay, I'd get married again.

Woman: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)

Man: Yes, I would.

Woman: (After a long pause) Would you sleep with her in our bed?

Man: Where else would we sleep?

Woman: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?

Man: That would seem like the proper thing to do.

Woman: And would you let her use my golf clubs?

Man: She can't use them; she's left-handed.

[Oldie]

=) Priceless! I've got tears coming out of my eyes!
Too funny.

[yathink]

This is great!!!!! I'll emblazen upon my husband's pillow! I'm on the floor in pain from laughing so hard!